^^^^^^ Sorry, I just finally got done watching Star Wars 1-7 plus the 6 season Clone Wars cartoon last night. Superficial reasons for your family not liking her, can be overlooked if you're in love. You possibly ignoring or overlooking major flaws/red flags they all see and you can't because you're in love, that's something to think on.
So if you guys don't know, I just had a child, shes gonna be three months and is adorable. My girlfriend, is 4 years younger than me, has quite the attitude, and some past issues that I'm sure affect our relationship now. So, I'm really debating if I'm going to end the realtionship. I love my daughter, and I did love my girlfriend but she has been doing things, saying things that are making it real hard to do so. She constantly gets upset about things and when she's mad, likes to give the silent treatment and just be mad. I hate the silent treatment, one of the most annoying things ever. She seems to not get along with my family, or doesn't like to visit. We went to go visit, she was all mad and had an attitude, and when I asked her what was wrong, she just didn't say anything. She says some pretty brutal things when it comes to me and the baby. I'm a new parent, I've never taken care of kids and have 0 expierence doing so. She has plenty. So shes always making sly remakrs like the baby always cries with you. You make her cry all the time. I can't leave her with you cause she'll start crying. Etc... I guess all in all, I'm not finding myself happy, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells with this girl, always scared to break one... I'm considering breaking up, but I'm really scared because of my daughter, and the stability of my girl. Advice? Any experience? Am I overreacting?
Bro, I'm really not an advocate for break-up/divorce, but at the end of the day, you're going to have to consider your own well-being. Being in that type of situation is constantly going to stress you out and lead to health problems. That said, your baby girl will need you alive and well, so it's important that you solve your issues with your girlfriend, first and foremost. As for her silent treatment, unless you get her to talk about what's wrong, you're not going to solve anything. We've all been there with the zero experience taking care of kids, but with the emergence of YouTube or Google and the internet and stuff, you may consider learning from these resources on how to take care of your child. Unlike your girlfriend, this is something that you can control, so learn to (and enjoy) taking care of your baby and prove to her you can do it. Now, everything doesn't go as planned though, so please do prepare yourself for any eventuality, and I mean ANY eventuality. I'm sure family and friends are there to help you with your cause. Edit: Have to say I don't like giving personal advice as well, after reading @sirronstuff's reply.
Congratulations on the new baby! That is great news. If your gf is too immature or unable to put her feelings into words, I'd recommend trying counseling together first. Many Mothers struggle with Post pardom depression, and it's no joke. A woman will rarely feel as vulnerable as she does now with a new baby. In the big picture, if your daughter learns someday that you left her Mom when she was only 3 months old, she'll possibly view that in a very terrible light. And in your partner's current state of mind, you can bet that is the narrative she'll be sharing. Sometimes when people are insecure, they do things to make those fears come true. Ex: Subconsciously I feel I don't deserve to be loved, so my actions may make the unlovable side of me to come out to get the results I expect. When I received those results, I can then say, "See, I knew it!" I'm sorry for the difficult time, but it sounds to me like she's is hurting, afraid, insecure, etc, and there are reasons behind that. Many of those reasons may have nothing to do with you, but instead things in her life up til now. I hope you give her every opportunity to grow past this stage that she's in and back into the person you liked so much and had a child with. She may end up thinking you hung the moon when you show the effort vs bug out on her. I hate giving personal advice, but just a possible perspective. @Punk-101 may be good to tap into for advice. Either way, you are paying for the child for the next 18 years. My personal experience is that life is much more peaceful when you are under the same roof as the child's Mother, but life teaches us that it isn't always possible. But I do think that if you don't make every effort to make it work, you will regret it later. I didn't read anywhere where you said what you've done besides endure verbal abuse to make things better. Again, I hate giving personal advice, but if I'm you, I go on the offensive to turn things around and lead the family. How you react during the down times determines if you deserve to be there in the good times. You’re the man. Men are supposed to lead the family. What have you done to lead your family? (I hope that is viewed as a friendly challenging question) I think we all need to ask ourselves that question if we are husbands and fathers. It’s so easy for life to get us off track and forget how amazing things can be if our priorities are straight. Thank you for posting this. I needed a reminder for myself.
Exactly this. Relationships are hard sometimes, but when you have a kid together, you have to do everything possible to make it work. I also don’t know her temperment, but I also recommend being 100% direct in saying specifically how it makes you feel when she says things that bother you. You might think it might lead to an argument, but sometimes people need to know what you’re talking about by direct examples in the moment, like when she makes sly comments about you taking care of your child. It just needs to be done in a non combative manner where you stay calm and can explain how it makes you feel when she says those things, not accusatory. But yeah, ask her to go to couples therapy
Well its really hard to take the lead as the family man when your lady is just a firecracker waiting to pop... So we had a good talk, and she was telling me in regards to her not talking out problems, that this how she was, and she wasn't going to change. I asked her, if she was not willing to do that for someone she loved? Cause I have changed for her and I made that clear. I understand she's hurting/ insecure and what not and that we have a baby. I completely understand that, but that doesn't mean she gets to keep doing this, and making me feel this way. We talked and she was telling me if I want someone who's willing to talk their problems out, be upfront with them to go find someone else cause she wasn't going to do it. I remained calm the entire talk, voices did get raised but it was never a shouting match. I tried to be as reasonable as I can, and talked to her about meeting in the middle which she just scoffed at and stood there telling me to come up with a middle point, which I did. I've done as much as I can as far as taking on the father/husband (even though we're not married) role. I have a career. I have a house. I've picked up a crap ton of overtime to not only pay for essentials, but for disposable income so we can go do things and not just be home all the time. Buy her outfits so my lady can be happy and dress up our daughter, etc... I help with the baby as much as I can. I obviously don't have breastmilk, and at times I can't calm her down because of the close connection she and my daughter have. But I take care of her, put her to sleep, change her as much as I can within reason because I work so much. I take my free time to be just with them. So I feel like I am leading as the family man, but when the lady isn't responding much and appears to be getting worse, not much I can do... We talked about splitting, especially if the fighting/arguing continued... Its obviously not what I want, far from what I want. I'm a romantic, I'd like it to end on a happily ever note, but it just seems to be getting further and further away from me.
Sounds like you talked about fixing things without support though. Did you try to get her to go to couples counseling with you?
I’m curious if she works? I’ve never met a woman who was unwilling to work on communication or the relationship. I just find that so odd. I still agree having a counselor present as a neutral 3rd party would be wise. From your description it seems she doesn’t have the same level of commitment to the relationship. I hope that I’m way off, and it’s just the communication that needs to improve.
I’m in no position to give definitive advice on this subject as I have no wife/girlfriend who is the mother of my kids, or kids at all. As a child of parents who stayed together YEARS too long (because it was against our religion to get a divorce for any reason except adultery, (physical, verbal and mental abuse were ok!) not joking) and made my sister and I suffer through fighting and a horrible home life, “staying together for the kids” isn’t always a good thing/the best thing/beneficial. If you don’t belong together as a couple and aren’t happy at all, your child will know. Just my personal opinion, it’s better to be happy parents to a child apart, to be on good and civil terms with eachother apart, to not speak badly of the other one to the child away from or in front of the child and put them in the middle, then to force a relationship to conform to the stereotypical happy home thing. My parents were way better apart, and had they done it sooner, I might not be as messed up a person as I am. Again, this is not advice, it’s only my 2 cents, I don’t know your situation fully, it might indeed be fixable with time. I’m not the type to stay with someone who says they are unwilling to change, or that it you want someone who will communicate, go find someone else. That’s not the sort of endorsement of the relationship I’d be looking for. In any case, good luck with the situation, and yeah, imo being a good father can be done without being with the mother. So if it doesn’t work out with your girlfriend, never feel guilty about it, or that you failed or something, that’s a separate thing than parenting responsibilities, you can be the best father in the world regardless of this situation.
