Best Advice You've Received

I ask, because I just read an article where a former Navy SEAL gave the best advice he ever received:

"Always watch 3 people. A senior person you admire. A peer who does their job better than you do. And a subordinate that does your old job better than you did."

Professionally, the best advice I got was from my first supervisor in the military. He told me "life isn't fair. Once you accept that and don't let it stop you, you'll do great things." He also told me "you work to live, not live to work."

What is the best advice you've received, whether personally or professionally?

 

Definitely a smaller scale but my father always told me to take everything one at a time. Helps when I'm feeling overwhelmed.

Also: Crying doesn't make the problem go away. He told me that when I was a baby and I never forgot it. Kind of works for adult situations where I felt like whining or feeling sorry for myself, but what's the point? Doesn't help, so move forward.

Also: freedom of speech doesn't mean you say what you want without consequences. Helped teach me to think before I speak.

Some simple advice, but all good things to live by I think.

 

First, sorry for the larger and weird looking text, I wrote this in the note app on my iPhone and this is what happened when I copied and pasted it. Can't seem to figure out how to get it back to normal size and font.

This will feel like a major downer, but my message in the end is positive. Apologies if it's long, maybe too detailed, and not in the spirit of what you intended the thread to be, John. Best personal advice I feel I ever received was not to hold grudges, life is too short. My biological grandfather left my dad and their family he when he was a young kid, don't remember exactly how young. Fortunately for him my grandmother remarried, to a great man, who was a great step-father to her children and they are still together today, to me he always was and is my real grandfather.

My father never quite got over the whole situation though, the adjustment was hard for him, and he grew up with tons of resentment to his father. His father went on to remarry and have 3 more kids, and stuck with that family the rest of his life, so that majorly bothered my father, why them and not him. Anyway, my grandfather was an alcoholic for probably most of his life, and in the end died from it. From time to time my father took me with him to visit his father, they weren't close, but not out of touch or estranged. It was always weird though, they were not close and it was obvious, my father made the effort, but there was no real connection there. It was uncomfortable on both sides, even as a kid I could see that barrier between them, the pain in my grandfather for what he'd done, and my father making an effort, but never feeling close to the man or talking to or interacting with him the way fathers and sons in healthy relationships do. It was forced, awkward, going through the motions for the sake of it, with serious issues underneath it all separating them, that neither would bring up, talk about, or deal with. It just was what it was. My father visiting his father, and his 3 half-brothers, who he got along really well with actually.

Anyway, like I said my grandfather was an alcoholic, and he got sick and died from it when I was around 12 or so, maybe 1997, hard to remember. My dad's half-brothers, particularly my one uncle was at his dad's bedside at almost all times though, to him he was a good father. No issues were resolved between my grandfather and my father though, and I don't recall him being conscious or at least very coherent in the hospital in his final days. No real goodbyes could be said, no apologies, no explanations, no "closure", if there is such a thing. My father took it hard in the moment, but I don't remember him letting it show if it continued to bother him for very long. What he did tell me though, was not to hold grudges, because we all make mistakes, and you don't know how long someone will be around. Also that he wished he'd done that himself and gotten to know his father better.

I don't know if my father's personal issues stemmed from his childhood and his father issues, growing up how and where he did, genetics, or a big combo of all of the above, but he also became an alcoholic. He was a good man at heart, and I had many good times with him, he was there my whole childhood, taught me to ride a bike, how to play baseball and basketball (and made me pretty good by never taking it easy on me or throwing a game), took me to the beach all summer every summer, forced me to try new things and get on scary amusement park rides I immediately loved after riding, typical father stuff. Also taught me many valuable things about life, and raised me as a Lakers and Angels fan, going to Angels games all the time. But he was a different person when drinking, a dark side came out. There were episodes of extreme arguments as long as I can remember, here and there, but by the time I was 15, it was becoming constant. First verbal abuse and controlling my family through fear, and then eventually physical.

So, we left, got out of there to a shelter and moved on. I never spoke with him face to face again after that time, only occasionally on the phone, and was always short with him. Throughout the years we were with him he'd say often that he wasn't going to live long, possibly because of the (non-life-threatening) heart issue we share, maybe the alcohol, so we never took him serous, it was just how he was and what he would say. I wanted little to do with him, and had no intention of forgiving him for things he'd never owned up to or apologized for, and I still feel I was somewhat justified in that. He'd say he was sorry for things I had to see or go through (but that I didn't understand the situation from his side fully because I was a kid), and for the way things ended up, nothing more, nothing specific. He went into the hospital at one point from something related to the alcohol, but things were still too fresh and they said he'd be ok, so I didn't go see him.

A week before he was taken to the hospital where he eventually died though, he called me to talk, and it was weird and different than usual. He talked little about his life, instead he said he knew he wouldn't be around much longer, and that his truck would soon be mine as he was leaving it to me. I was not interested in the "I won't be around much longer" stuff yet again that day, and was very short and dismissive with him, a lot of "uh-huh"'s. That was the last time I ever spoke to him. A week later he very sick and vomited blood, was down on his living room floor, but I think called the ambulance himself.

In the hospital he was never conscious, just on life-support I believe. I spoke to him, but I don't think he heard me. Told him about how the Angels were fighting down to the last game of the season to make the playoffs against the A's, (this was September 2004), and how they'd made it, and that he needed to pull through so we could watch the playoffs and the Lakers the next season coming up. I still didn't know deep down if I'd be able to do those things, but when you see someone dying forgiveness tends to come easier and quickly, and you figure you'd much prefer to try and work things out no matter how difficult, than lose this person, despite the issues that are there.

Never got the chance to find out though, his liver failed, his body failed, and if taken off life support he'd die in minutes, but there was no hope. I had to sign the paper allowing him to be taken off life support, I had to sign his life away as next of kin. Not an easy thing to do or live with no matter if it was the only option. Justified or not in my own mind for the things he'd done, I hadn't taken his advice, I had held a grudge, and now he was gone. My issues with him would never be resolved, we'd never talk it out, I'd never get answers to certain things, we'd never reconcile. I'd live with being dismissive and short with him the last time we spoke, while having no idea how sincere he was being this time. I'd live with the last time I saw him being him hooked up to machines and tubes, and then standing right next to him as he died. I was 20 years old at the time.

I struggled with that for quite a while after, and still have trouble at times. I don't know how it is for other people, but sometimes I'll just out of nowhere think about or remember that he's actually and truly gone, and it can almost cause me to feel a little sick and panicky (like an anxiety attack, but never progressing to the full thing). I'll wish he was around to ask advice from about things like our shared heart condition, or the state of the Lakers, what he'd have thought of us beating the C Bags in 2010 as he hated them. Some of the last good conversations I had with him were actually about the NBA Finals that year and how people were sleeping on the Pistons and that was a mistake. He knew his NBA stuff, and he was right. He also said we should keep Kobe over Shaq if it came down to it because Kobe was a special player and much younger.

Anyway, rambling now, so beginning to wrap up, my father's advice was the best personal advice I've ever gotten. I didn't take his advice in his case, and that is exactly why I know it is so good. Had I tried to let go of grudges, maybe there would have been resolved issues, maybe things would have gotten better between us, maybe I'd have truly forgiven, I certainly know I wouldn't have suffered mentally in the same way from his death.

So you better believe now in life I try my hardest not to hold grudges, especially over the small stuff. I get into an argument with someone, I forget it and apologize if I need to pretty quick. I feel someone has an issue with me, I'll talk to them about it and see if that can be changed. Recently a female acquaintance, friend of my ex girlfriend, and now friend of a girl I'm currently interested in, was giving me the feeling she didn't like me for some reason. I don't really like feeling that way, so true or only in my head I wanted to do something about it. So, being an Instagram follower of her I remembered she collects cool alcohol bottles as decoration, and I bought her a bunch of miniature bottles at BevMo. She loved them, was grateful for the gesture, and has been friendly to me ever since. I figured why keep what I may only perceive as an issue going, instead of ending it with kindness. That comes from loss and experience, life is too short to have issues and grudges with the people around us. What good does it do us? Why not try to get rid of the negativity.

I try to tell my mother I love her each time I talk to her. Same thing with my grandparents. I say something rude or have an argument with my sister, I try to apologize minutes later and squash it. None of us know how long we have to live. Something unexpected could happen any day, a surprise health issue, an accident that claims a life, tomorrow isn't guaranteed for anyone. So now I try to live that way. I won't pretend I'm perfect at it, but I try to live that way. Don't sweat the small stuff, make sure your loved ones know you love them, don't let the last time you speak to someone be in a rude, dismissive, angry way. That was the best advice I was given, don't hold grudges. What good does it do for you? Life is too short for that.

 

^^^ Great story / advice. Thanks for sharing!!!

 

@Weezy Thank you for sharing that and it certainly is some great advice. Whether you believe it or not I'm sure your dad is looking down at you and is proud of you and the things you have learned and continue to learn. (example of this being what you just shared with us).

About this thread: this is really whats so wonderful, whether someone believes it or not each and everyone of us has a life story or something painful that has happened to us and we all have advice we can give to comfort one another or provide prospective. I'm glad you made this topic John.

I lost my dad when I was 12 years old after a long battle with a stroke that lasted 2-3 years where he wasn't able to speak or move. My mom had to be with him when he was sent to a rehab hospital in the Bay Area so I had to jump around and live with friends of mine. He had dealt with some series health issues before when I was younger. But I know because of going through that struggle it has made me a better, stronger person spiritually and mentally in many ways.

The same is true for all of us. I know many times we wish the painful things that have happened to us never happened or we could go back and change things. But I believe these things happen to us so we can hopefully pass along that life lesson or feeling and provide relief to others.

 

So true. Growing up, we were poor. I hated it. I hated going hungry. I hated not having money to do the things my friends got to do. I hated not having new clothes. I hated moving every couple years because the rent got increased.

Fast forward to last year and I'm counseling a kid who is struggling with anger. His anger stems from not having a dad in the home, being poor, and getting picked on in school because of his clothes.

It really hit me why I went through the things I did as a kid. Without it, I wouldn't have been able to relate to him or really understand what he was talking about and probably not be able to help him.

I always wished my childhood had been different. Until that day.

 

Bump. Saw this video and thought I'd share and this is as good a place as any to post it.

 

"hurt people... hurt people." So true. So sad.